Post by Zekk the Tyrant on Apr 25, 2016 20:49:41 GMT -5
Monday Night
A short play by yours truly
A short play by yours truly
Characters:
David
Anxiety
Depression
Insomnia
Setting: David's bedroom
(Anxiety is pacing back and forth, obviously distressed and fretting over anything and everything)
David: (Watching Anxiety fret, sighs) You know we went over this already, right? It’s done.
Anxiety: Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, it’s just.. Ugh! What if we-
David: No, enough.
Anxiety: But-
David: Enough!
(Anxiety stares reproachfully, huffs and continues pacing silently)
David: (Watching Depression and Insomnia each in their own space, Depression huddled off to the side with his head hung, and Insomnia scrolling through their phone) It’s three in the morning, on a weekday. Aren’t you guys sick of this yet?
Insomnia: Me? Never! Do you know how many videos we have saved on Facebook?? Oh I should count!
Depression: I’m always sick of it. But it never ends.
David: But it could end.
Depression: Can it?
David: (Opens his mouth to respond, and not able to give an answer turns to Anxiety, rather agitated) Okay, seriously, will you stop?
Anxiety: Okay, okay, but hear me out: I’ve looked at it from a new angle, and there are a dozen new reasons why you should be worried right now.
David: (A pause) Go on.
Insomnia: 57! 57 unwatched videos in your facebook saves.
David: What? No way! Let me see that.
(Insomnia walks over to David to show the numbers)
Anxiety: Okay but about that Spanish test-
(All but Anxiety groan)
Anxiety: Seriously! I just remembered how you were supposed to conjugate dar in the present perfect tense. You totally got it wrong.
David: What! No, I know I had it!
Depression: Another fail, mom’s going to kill you.
Insomnia: (Laughs) Oh my god, this cat is hysterical! I wonder if they have any more funny cat videos…
Anxiety: You should have studied harder.
Depression: Why? He was going to miss it anyway, he put in hours! Still failed. You’re going to have to miss tomorrow, David. You already know you failed, why get out of bed? The least you can do is sleep.
Insomnia: (Snorts) Hah, good one!
David: (Sighs) Yeah, we’ll see. But I’ve already missed those other days..
Depression: What are you even still doing in college? You’re failing. Wasting money.
Anxiety: (To Insomnia) Has she texted back yet?
Insomnia: Who? Oh, no.
Anxiety: Ohhhh boy, oh boy oh boy oh boy. (more intense pacing, checks the time) Who takes… six hours and twenty one minutes to text back??
David: People who sleep, maybe?
Depression: Can you blame her, though? You were pretty pushy yesterday, she probably needs a break.
Anxiety: Ohhh yeah, super pushy. Should you text her again? Like, just to make sure she doesn’t hate you? You definitely should. Here, let me see it- wait no, double texting is too clingy.
David: She’s never been a quick texter. And she’s probably asleep. It’s fine, everything’s fine.
Anxiety: But what if she hates you? You can’t do much worse if she already hates you. Just to be sure- (peers over Insomnia’s shoulder to try and grab the phone)
Depression: She definitely hates you. Valentine’s is coming up and you can’t even think of something to get her.
Anxiety: Oh, don’t even get me started on Valentine’s Day!
David: ENOUGH! Please, all of you… Please. Not so loud.
Anxiety: You haven’t seen loud yet, David!. Wait until you wake up and she still hasn’t texted back. Shit’s gonna get real.
Insomnia: (Excited noises) This guy makes awesome paintings out of his own blood!! (Looks ecstatically to the others, who give him blank stares)
David: That’s cool, but really creepy.
Insomnia: Why don’t you draw anymore? We should do that!
Depression: Hmm, good question! Let’s recall: For one, there was the 5th grade teacher who called his work trash. Then there was middle school, where the kids on the bus tore the drawings out and threw them out the window. Oh, let’s not forget high school! Mom and dad told him to stop drawing because he needed to work on something for a “real job.” When the world tells you no, sometimes you just gotta go with it.
Insomnia: Wow, you’re a real ray of sunshine on a dark day aren’t ya?
Depression: Am I wrong, David?
David: Well, technically no, but-
Depression: See? I don’t have to be a ray of sunshine, I just point out the facts.
Insomnia: And here’s another fact for you: you’re kind of an asshole.
Anxiety: Has she texted back yet?
Insomnia: Who? Oh, no.
Anxiety: David are you sure you shouldn’t be worried? What if she like, DIED?? And you never texted back so she died thinking you didn’t care about her? That’s going to live on your conscience forever, you know.
Depression: But what would texting her fix if she’s already dead?
Anxiety: You’re missing the point!
Insomnia: And the point is?
Anxiety: David, you should text her. Like, now.
David: She’s definitely just asleep.
Anxiety: Send a few emojis, too. Like, a dozen. Just to show that you care! Wait no, two. Two emojis, maybe three. Different ones, like a story of emotions. But also not just emojis, put some words in too. But keep it short, so you don’t seem like you’re clingy. Trust me, you need to do this.
David: Okay, fine, I’ll do it. Hand me the phone.
(Insomnia hands him the phone, and David starts typing)
“Hey, thinking about you. Hope you’re sleeping well.” How many emojis?
Anxiety: Well that’s a good amount of words, so maybe just one. Oh! The toothy smile emoji.
David: Okay. And, sent! Now what? Well? Now what?
Anxiety: Did you just make a mistake?
David: Oh, God-
Anxiety: No! Oh no, you just screwed this up. She thinks you’re clingy now. Can you delete the message? No, you can’t, it’s probably delivered. Oh god, she’s breaking up with you tomorrow. It’s happening. You can’t- you can’t stop it!
David: So what do I do??
Insomnia: You’re going to have to stay up all night until you know she won’t text back. Or if she does. Hey, maybe you can get back to drawing! Good way to pass the time!
Depression: We’ve been over this already-
Insomnia: How about I stand on a chair so you don’t have to bend over to kiss my ass?
Depression: You know, I would, but the effort that would take to get up and-
Anxiety: Guys! We have a serious crisis here, and you two are bickering?
Depression: Well what can we do about it now? David, you’re screwed. You’re just going to have to deal with it. Maybe you won’t fuck up so bad with the next one. Assuming there is the next one.
Anxiety: (gasp) Oh my god. What if she was the one? What if she was your soulmate, David! And now you’re going to live forever alone!
David: Wait a minute, this was your idea!
Anxiety: But you did it!
Depression: Yep, can’t skip by on that one. You didn’t have to listen to us. Your fault.
David: But-
(All staring at David now, waiting)
This isn’t fair.
Depression: Make better decisions.
Insomnia: Like drawing!
(All to Insomnia): Shut up!
David: Look! Let’s just- Can we sleep? Is that a thing?
(Unanimously spoken by the others): NOPE.
(A pregnant silence permeates the room as they all stare each other down. Anxiety fidgets finally, looking at the phone)
Anxiety: Maybe if we just texted her one more-
David: You know what? I’m putting the phone down. No one touches the phone. We’re sleeping. It’s a school night, I have to do things, it’s happening. Well? Now!
(Insomnia puts down the phone in the middle, and David lays down. For a long beat, there is silence)
Insomnia: You ever wonder if we can’t hear from the aliens because the aliens out there are just already dead?
David: (Sits up abruptly) How could I not??
Insomnia: But really! We haven’t heard anything yet. Look at the signs! We could be the last species capable of imagination living in this universe. And you’re stuck in bed worrying about your girlfriend-
Depression: Who probably isn’t his girlfriend anymore-
Anxiety: *DOLPHIN NOISES*!
Insomnia: Worrying about your girlfriend. Isn’t that so small? You could be doing so many more things! Like-
Depression: I swear if you say-
Insomnia: Drawing!
(Unanimous groaning)
~End Scene~
